Our Most Popular Facebook Posts on Finding Love Again

Who you spend your time with will have a great impact on your life. Spend time with the right people.

Let your smile change the world, but don’t let the world change your smile.

People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.

You deserve someone who tells you, ‘you are the best thing that ever happened to them’ and they mean it.

If life can remove someone you never dreamt of losing, it can replace them with someone you never dreamt of having.

 

Finding Love Again is a public group on Facebook encouraging the benefits of choosing your next partner with your head and your heart. Your choice of life partner is one of the most important decisions you make in this life.




I’d Rather Be Single

I have a Facebook page called Finding Love Again. Without a doubt, the most popular posts I put on my Facebook page relate to loving being single. How do I feel about that? I LOVE IT!

Want to know why? Because the ramifications of getting your next relationship wrong are so far-reachingly disastrous. If we’re lonely, or low on self-esteem, it can be easy to jump into a relationship to solve that immediate problem. NO NO NO please don’t do that!

Your partner is the most critical element in your life! They’re the ones you spend most of your time with. They’re the ones who can either uplift or destroy you. They’re the ones who largely determine if you’re happy or unhappy. All this usually comes out after the honeymoon period has ended.

What will happen if you accept less than your ideal match?

  1. You’ll feel even more lonely than before. Who’s experienced feeling lonely while being with someone? It’s far worse on many levels, particularly our mental health, than feeling lonely while alone.
  2. Missed opportunity. If you’re with the wrong person, you’re not available for the right person.
  3. Missed smiles, fun and happiness.
  4. Missed support.
  5. A gradual and pervasive erosion of your self-confidence. If everything feels a battle, one can’t help but doubt themselves.
  6. Missed life goals. Time can pass by and be wasted while you’re with the wrong person.

What will happen if you wait for the right person?

  1. You’ll be energised, happy, confident.
  2. You’ll feel light, and largely worry-free.
  3. You’ll flourish and grow and excel in all areas of your life.
  4. You’ll be calm and thoughtful.
  5. You’ll be empowered.

So am I insulted that the popular posts relate to single empowerment rather than finding love again? Not one bit. I’m encouraged that people ‘get it’.

Choosing your next partner is one of the most important decisions you will make. Make it a conscious, thoughtful choice with your ideal future in mind. Leave reactivity for the fools. Love being you, love being single, enjoy this time in your life and when the time comes ‘settle’ for your equal, not second best. Choose a partner who will most definitely enhance your life, and walk alongside you as the best versions of yourselves.

I do believe that life is better with a team mate by our side. But I most definitely also believe that it has to be the right team mate.

Carolyn Martinez is the author of Finding Love Again (A Guide).




Reviews for Finding Love Again

It took me a while to do, I wasn’t sure I wanted to read them, but I’m so glad I did. Reading the reviews of Finding Love Again (previously titled Finding Love: 7 Things You Need to Know Before You Date Again) made the three years of research and writing worthwhile. I’m sitting at my desk right now feeling grateful and humbled that these readers have let me into their lives.

Some of the reviews you can find online: cover-aguidefindingloveagain-carolynmartinez-final-aguideto

‘A real and honest book, inspiring,’ Adriana Avellis.

‘A brilliant book. The people are so brave to have shared their journeys, mistakes and successes. Highly recommended,’ Karen Crofts.

‘Since reading this book I have been motivated into finding love again and this is after being single for over 10 years. I’ve already been on two dates and have totally changed my approach to dating. I now feel rejuvenated and know that at 53 I am going to find love again. Thanks for writing this Carolyn, educational and entertaining, I am already recommending it to all and sundry,’ Lynette Hammond.

‘I was overjoyed to read Carolyn Martinez’s Finding Love Again. It is practical, full of wonderful self-reflection exercises and most importantly Carolyn’s ‘you-can-do-it’ approach. She is like a wonderful dating coach. She believes you will fall in love again and her positivity is absolutely uplifting. My favourite part of the book is the self-reflection exercises. These are valuable tools for evaluating the lessons you have learned so far, the wisdom you have gained and seeing how you can apply these to your next relationship. There will be another relationship! If you doubt this, or you are single – and don’t want to be – this is the book for you,’ Kimberly O’Sullivan

‘There are many good books available that deal with the topic of love but none so sound as this one. This book should be integrated into our curriculums in high schools so that our greatest resource – our young people – get a break early on in their lives. For those whose relationships stagnate, finish or continue to torture please read this book. I shall be recommending it to all my friends and the large number of people I talk to who are seeking to make sense of their lives,’ Grief & Wellness Services, Bob Wyborn.

‘This book has the power to change lives,’ Leigh Hutton, Author, Jump Girl and Race Girl.

‘Finding Love Again is a valuable manual on how to ensure that a second relationship is sustainable. Even if you aren’t looking for love, there are lessons to be learned here. Finding Love Again is a well-written, sensitive and very easy to read book full of stories, ideas, and advice on how to find love, and more importantly I think, how to keep love strong for the duration,’ Maggie Ball, Critic, Compulsive Reader.

Purchase Book




Write a Better Letter

Australian author Susannah McFarlane has co-authored the book titled ‘The Year I Met My Other Mother’ with her birth mother Robin Leuba about their extraordinary adoption reunion story. The book is “…a piercingly honest and often hilarious story of what it takes for families to reconnect – and stay there – after a lifetime apart”.

I listened to their interview on ABC radio. Whilst the interview conveys many powerful angles and emotions, one phrase struck a chord with me; Susannah said, “I needed to write a better letter”.

Why is this so relevant in relation to finding love? I am a firm believer in the power of forgiveness, not only to others but to self. Susannah’s birth mother made contact with her quite a number of years after her adoption, when she felt she could/should make contact. Whilst Susannah always knew she was adopted, Robin’s contact came to disrupt her world so she responded with a polite letter saying ‘thanks but no thanks’. It took some years before Susannah felt the need to reconnect with Robin. Hurt, disruption, emotion, curiosity, anguish needed to take place before Susannah felt compelled to ‘write a better letter’, one that would start a process of healing and re-connection.

In my personal experience, it took me 5 years after a breakup before I could honestly and genuinely give myself to another person and start a new relationship. I’m happy to report that this person is now my wife and we have 2 beautiful children. I accept that my (as is everyone else’s) journey is unique and I’m not recommending that anyone takes as long to heal as I did! I am advocating for taking control of one’s life, discovering what we want and what we don’t want (critical values) and being prepared to proactively and purposely act on these. In my case, my healing process involved reconnecting with my ex-partner and in some level I needed to seek forgiveness for our breakup. I don’t think I wrote a letter, but I hope that my actions told that story.

Susannah’s book can be found at: http://www.susannahmcfarlane.com/product/heartlines/

Listen to the full interview at: http://www.abc.net.au/radio/sydney/programs/conversations/susannah–mcfarlane/8063362

Author Saul Martinez is an advocate for the book Finding Love Again




Consciously Moving Towards Where You Want to Be

I listened to “Michael Doleman and the sinking of the Blythe Star” on ABC radio. By now you’d realise I am an avid listener to ‘Conversations’ so it’s no surprise that this is a source of frequent self-reflection for me. This is a remarkable story of survival which is well worth a listen to. He spoke highly of the ship’s Chief Mate, Ken Jones, who tragically died in the incident. He calls him ‘remarkable’, a ‘true leader’. What struck me were the words ‘….he took control…oozed confidence and leadership’. All too often we find ourselves drifting, especially in times of crisis. Situations like a natural disaster, death of a loved one, losing our job or being stuck in a dead end one, a breakup, or finding love again require us (command us) to take control, take charge, of the situation and take proactive steps to get to the place where we want to be.

I’m lucky enough to have a life coach. Peter runs his own company (Elephant Capability). He looks older than me but he is in fact younger than me (!), yet he steers me towards wisdom I didn’t realise I had. A coach won’t tell you what to do, but through clever conversation he allows you to figure things out for yourself. The answer lies within you.

Recently, Peter drew me a diagram with a star at one end and a very shoddy stick person at the other. He said, here’s you (stick person) and here is the goal that you’re trying to achieve (star). There’s a vertical line somewhere in between where two forces collide, one set of forces push you toward your goal (star) and the other push you away (toward the stick person, the current state of play). The forces are either Enablers or Disablers to reach that goal. We listed these forces and agreed on maximising the enablers and removing (or sometimes ‘dialling down’) the disablers. In other words, do more of the things that move you towards your goal and do less of what takes you away from it. Pretty simple right? It is, but it all started with that first step – taking charge. Realising that something is not working, or that there’s an end point we want to reach and have not yet done so is the first step to achieving that goal. The rest is then up to us.

I don’t think I’ve ever cruised through life but there have been times when I’ve been stuck in a rut, or drifted a bit. These are not fun times. I’ve always had good outcomes from taking charge and consciously identifying that I’m not where I want to be and (again) consciously acting to move toward the desired state, which is by definition a better state than the one I’m in. Simple? It is, but it requires conscious action. It requires taking charge.

Saul Martinez is an advocate for Finding Love Again.

cover-findingloveagain-carolynmartinez-final




It’s All About Respect – Dating from a position of strength

cover-findingloveagain-carolynmartinez-final

This blog isn’t for everyone. It’s for you if you’re someone who lacked appropriate guidance and support through the developmental years, or if you were raised to enjoy confidence but then a bad relationship dented your resilience.

Interviewing singles and couples around Australia on the topic of Finding Love Again, I’ve been amazed over and over again at the amount of people who under-value themselves; particularly women.

Interviewing someone for 6-8 hours is an intimate experience. They share with me things they wouldn’t normally share in conversation, even with close friends. I’m not a psychologist, don’t think I’m claiming skills I don’t have. I am, however, an observant, empathetic person who is a good listener.

This is a friendly heads up; a caution to sit a moment and cast a critical eye over your current circumstances. Not everyone was raised, or lives, in an environment conducive to developing strong self-esteem, resilience and confidence. If you know that relates to you, I’m here as a friend to caution you against the tendency to under-value your worth, and hence to accept sub-par.

Your life partner is one of the most important decisions you make in life. Give it the thought it deserves.

Dating from a position of strength will attract like-minded people to you. Substitute the word ‘strength’ with the word ‘respect’ and my meaning is clearer. If you respect yourself, you’ll draw people to you who also respect you. Respect yourself enough to know that you deserve a like-minded equal to walk beside you in this life journey. Having the mindset and skills to recognise and wait for the right person for you are great tools with which to enter the dating arena.

I believe that if you enter the dating playing field from a position of personal strength, you’ll achieve a much better outcome for yourself than if you enter while weak and needy.

It’s all about respect. Respecting yourself, respecting others. Expecting respect.

If you’re low on self-esteem and confidence, seek out support to build resilience in these areas. There are loads of ways to achieve it and plenty of caring people who want to help you. Many interviewees in Finding Love Again give credit to various natural therapists, counsellors or self-help books for helping them through a rough patch.

If doing what you’ve always done is not giving you the results you seek, it’s time to do something different.

Love and good cheer, Carolyn.

Carolyn Martinez is an author and editor. She likes good music, good wine and good company. Her latest pursuit to keep the creative vibes alive is learning the powerful beats of Egyptian drumming. She has two books released: Finding Love Again and Inspiring IVF Stories




Finding Love Again – Our Latest Release

If doing what you’ve always done is not giving you the results you seek, it’s time to do something different!

carolynmartinez-aguidefindingloveagain-paperback-draft1-2700px

Finding Love offers helpful, insightful tips and encouragement on how best to make one of the most important decisions of your life: choosing the person to walk alongside you in life.

Single at the age of 32, I managed to impress myself with my stupidity at times. Without a wingwoman in sight (all my friends had babies), grieving the love of my life, and unable to spend any time alone because of the head space I was in, I managed to drink my way through six months, dating guys completely wrong for me along the way.

When I stopped and took stock of my life it was painful. After I re-grouped, got over the loneliness, and gained back my verve, I was quietly astonished at some of the amateurish mistakes I made while single. I wondered how many others floundered as I had.

After three years of interviewing men and women across Australia, and researching the best available knowledge on relationships, I wrote and compiled the book I wished I’d been able to read when I first found myself unexpectedly single, thrust into a game I was unprepared and ill-equipped to play.

When I launched Finding Love: 7 Things You Need to Know Before You Date Again the reviews on Amazon made the three years of research and writing worthwhile.

If you’d like to share your dating experiences and get tips from others, join the Finding Love Again community on Facebook.

 

Finding Love is available as an ebook or hard copy.

Carolyn Martinez is a former Newspaper Editor, a twice-published Author, and has a MA (Writing). She is the founder of Brisbane Book Authors, and a member of Queensland Society of Editors.